Why I'd like to lay on the couch all day today under my blanket.

1. The weather
2. Sampson
3. It's Mother's Day

It's the middle of May. I'm not asking for 90 degrees and full sun, but 52 and rain is just way too much.

Sampson was my other dog. He only really liked me...and then only part of the time. He was part shepherd and part crazy. But I loved him anyway. I never worried about anyone breaking into my house when Sampson was around. Last Mother's Day, Sampson got loose and ended up biting the neighbor's grandson. The grandson is fine. As a responsible pet owner, I believed the only thing to be done was to have Sampson put down. His aggression was overwhelming him and this wasn't the first biting incident. I know it was the right thing to do, but Linus and I still miss him.

Lastly, it's Mother's Day. I have a great relationship with my mom -- she's amazing. AND she believes that this is a silly holiday that was made up by the card companies, so she doesn't expect anything. BONUS. Although, I did buy her an ankle bracelet about two months ago as an "early" Mother's day gift. She loved it.

But, it's also the first Mother's Day without Grandma J. I miss her alot. My peonies are budding out, and I can't help but think of who's worthy enough to get the first bloom this year. Traditionally, that was Grandma J's honor. She was so strong for such a tiny little thing. The night Grandpa died, I spent the night with her. She cried and asked how she could ever live without her best friend. She found a way and lived for more than a decade after his passing. The night she found out that Macular Degeneration was going to rob her of her sight, she sat at my kitchen table and cried in her Cashew Chicken. She told me she was scared and she didn't want to be blind. Ya know what? I personally, never heard her complain after that night. Her life continued to be full and vital, right up until her death. I miss her enthusiasm for life. I miss her ability to call a spade a spade. I even miss her duck-waddle style of walking.

One of the things Grandma was always thankful for was her kids. It's hard for me, today of all days, to not flip that coin over and look at the other side. Today, I'll call my friend B. up in Vermont. She and her husband have been trying for eight years. Their China adoption has been pushed back from 18 months to 3-4 years. Their hearts are heavy.

Mine too. Last night Cartman called to tell me good-night. He's out-of-state visiting his mother. We talked for about 45 minutes, and the subject of Mother's Day came up and I just lost it. Poor guy. He didn't know what to do. If me crying over not having kids doesn't make him run for this hills, I don't know what will. I can't stand going to church and hearing all the tributes to "mother"...and all the mom's with flowers and gifts given to them by sticky little hands. Mother's day brunches and Mother's day sales. Blech. I can't go anywhere without being reminded of what my life doesn't have.

So, if you're missing your mom, grandma, or anyone who fulfilled that need in your life today, my heart is with you. And if you're aching because you have been denied the privilege of parenting, for whatever reason, my heart is with you as well. As for me, I'm taking my sad heart and going back to bed to listen to the rain.